Ebb & Flow

Like a rolling stone gathering no moss... There is so much moving through my life right now, so many emotions wanting to take center stage, but my heart is so shelled up the only thing in the spotlight is the mind's focus on work nd mmy responsibilities. Being a mother to my teenage daughter is what keeps me going - but im not giving myself the space to actually feel. i need to cry. i want to cry! i hurt so much right now and nothing of all the amazing i know that could help heal this i want to use. ...like actually fuck it, im torn from the inside out, heartbroken, and feel tossed to the side. healing this shit will take t i m e Meanwhile, how do i go on?! im a holistic therapist, my focus as a Life Coach is on teaching tools to help get thru challenging life situations - life is an ironic bitch. Why isnt Love enough? Its amazing how a single innocent event can ripple a whole lot of shitty situations in a person's life. Let me explain dear reader, 19 years old, i was about to marry the wrong boy, why? till this day i wonder why. I guess because he stepped up and asked. My heart was inside of another boy's chest, and his in mine, a boy whom i asked the day before my wedding to run away with me, and he said "i cant". That single moment, that heart-break, never healed. i think im still reliving the shock of his answer and have never been able to let love in. i have loved - but with limitations, with resentment, and even with anger. It can take a lifetime to heal something this deep. 'Been 30 yrs and Im still waiting for him to say yes. 8 yrs ago i met a man, i never imagined he'd mean so much. He became my everything, those big strong arms to keep me safe, the eyes, the smile, the height, the love for animals, all of it. We had some really amazing moments..really amazing! like a dream. Now that dream ended. He didnt want me anymore. All my love, my attention, my time... i guess it wasnt good enough. Like Dean says it comes and goes in waves.